Photo Credit: Carolyn Sewell via Compfight
You’re not going to believe this, but somewhere out there, there are real people who are surviving their ascent into parenthood. That is good news for someone like me, another unprepared father to be.
What’s even more exciting is it’s not only the dads who are having a few slip-ups as they struggle to find their comfort zone in their role as a parent. Apparently, a new mom can have a little hiccup or two as well.
Thanks to a remarkable revelation from another new father, I have my first contribution to the confessions portion of CanBabiesEatBacon.com.
In response to my post, ‘Expectant Mothers Say The Darnedest Things’ our unnamed contributor, reveals that those requests for virgin drinks really do take a toll on a pregnant lady. His experience details the results of a mom’s first night out with the gals after having her baby. Our source may not have left a name but this story is too good not to retell!
I get it. The mom spends months watching her body transform, she becomes image conscious and she may even choose to living the latter part of her pregnancy in seclusion. Her social life changes. Gone are the wine nights, and a fun evening with friends turns out to be a lengthy texting conversation.
According to our source, usually after the first few months of motherhood, the urge to have an outing with friends like she did in her pre-mom life becomes quite overwhelming and finally, the new mom concedes to her ‘thirst’. Most often, this is also the dad’s first night alone with the baby, but every new mom deserves her night of triumph.
In this confession, after an evening out, the new mom returned home and attempted to put herself to sleep for the night. Unfortunately, the parents had a routine of having their newborn sleeping in their bed with them. After this evening of cocktails, mom was denied permission to sleep in her own bed. A semi-comatose mommy sawing logs was deemed by the dad to be a potential safety hazard to the baby.
“I can’t even sleep with my own daughter?” mommy sobbed.
The tears and whimpering were a sure sign that more than a simple glass of wine was had by mommy that night. After unsuccessfully pleading her case, she reluctantly grabbed a blanket and pillow and headed for the couch.
A short time after her departure, a small commotion was heard coming from the living room. It seems a concerned father not only has to tend to the needs of his newborn child, but to the party-going mother as well.
Thinking that perhaps mommy had log-rolled her way off of the couch, dad went to investigate… and what a sight did he discover when he turned on the lights.
It seems that all the ruckus was being created as a result of a comical wrestling match between mom and her breast pump.
“What are you doing?” the new dad asked.
Looking at him like he knows absolutely nothing at all, she spouted back, “I’M PUMPING… AND DUMPING!!”
I’m told that one of the most difficult skills for a new dad to develop is the art of concealing laughter. Upon closer inspection, it was recognized that mom had one end of her breast pump attached to her arm pit and the other end suctioned to her belly button.
Before the baby’s next feeding, she was determined to cleanse her system of any evidence of her night of excess. I guess she didn’t want her daughter similarly experiencing what it’s like to spend a sun-drenched afternoon in the beer garden at Lollapalooza.
Once she realized she was getting nowhere with the pump, mommy’s demeanor leapt in a new direction. As she gazed across the room, her eye caught sight of what she thought was a George Clooney clone. It seems that the heavy dose of chuckling he could no longer keep to himself while watching mom’s mastery of the breast pump must have had some magical effect on our contributor.
Batting her eyelashes in the sexiest of fashion through her blurred vision, mommy attempted to seduce the mystery hunk who, by this point, was uncontrollably laughing at her.
“So… You wanna come and join me over here?” she proposed with a wink.
With all respect, he declined the offer. Knowing that mommy would eventually be fine, he returned to check on his sleeping daughter. Within minutes, mommy was hugging the porcelain bowl and expediting the pump and dump process.
You can submit your confessions to hank@canbabieseatbacon.com.