On Sunday April 15th, 2012 I officially dropped the word expectant from my ‘expectant father’ title and joined the ranks of unprepared fathers everywhere. That’s not to say my observations from the point of view of an unready dad-to-be (or new dad) are gone forever, but I do have father of the year awards to prepare for now.
It is with every intention that as I slip and stumble, trip and fall through the echelons of fatherhood, that I can help (mis)guide you in your quest of winning such an elusive award for yourself as well. The key to winning “Dad of the Year” is to secure the critical votes from the female population. So, my first tip for you is… Don’t do what I’m about to do!
Even though what I’m about to tell you will guarantee you a 99% loss in the female popular vote, I still think that new dads, expectant fathers and every guy planning to one day start a family should be made aware of some very controversial information.
WARNING TO ALL EXPECTANT FATHERS: The following commentary is going to get me in a LOT of trouble.
This is a topic that many women may not want you know, but seeing that I just accompanied a woman going through the whole pregnancy thing, I have a wealth of information that needs to be shared. This was a very educational process for me and she does NOT want me sharing any of my new found knowledge with expectant fathers, or men in general.
The way I look at it, is that it is my duty. Becoming a dad is a scary thing. I’ve said it time and time again that every new dad needs every bit of advice he can get his hands on and I wish I knew what I know now before the pregnancy started. I’ve gained access to some very privy information and I now have a key to the vault that holds all the secrets that every pregnant woman carries with them.
Gentlemen, for better or worse, I’m opening the vault for your review. Decide wisely on how you choose to handle these details. This may surprise you but…
Pregnant woman consider men as gullible fools and are taking advantage of them throughout their pregnancy.
There, I’ve said it.
I first became suspicious of such an idea when I heard the cousin of the mommy of my new family mention something called a “P-Card”. The two cousins were comparing pregnancy notes when I heard, “Oh yeah, whenever I don’t feel like doing something I totally play the P-Card.”
I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I quickly put it together that the P meant pregnant. I figured it out that pregnancy is a little game for the ladies and we, the men, are the pawns in this game.
I do have to admit that I wasn’t a victim of this P-Card game and I had a fortunate experience with my new son’s mother during her pregnancy, but that didn’t mean I didn’t always have one keen eye open. I observed her pregnancy much closer than I would have, had I not picked up on this cruel, cruel game that woman play.
I think that the whole reason ‘my’ pregnancy went so smoothly is that I gained privileged access (by accident) to the idea of the “P-Card”. Thanks to the loose lips of a cousin taking advantage of her poor, loving husband, I was able to walk into uncharted territory. A territory where there was no such thing as pregnancy symptoms and no such thing as a “P-Card”.
With the mother of my child:
- there was no morning sickness.
- there were no silly cravings, like a gallon of ice cream each night with pickles and honey on top.
- there was no emotional breakdown because I put up a new shelf in the garage that prohibited her from fully opening the car door, thus making her fear that she could no longer get in and out of the car as she grew with the pregnancy.
- there was no braxton hicks or false labor. In fact the mama of my child was in labor for several hours before she realized anything was happening. Our dog spent the whole day trying to tell her something was up, but we didn’t pick up on the signals.
- there was no screaming of obscenities in the delivery room and telling me how much of a jerk I am. In fact, I think we peeved a few laboring mothers in the adjacent rooms with our constant joking and giggling throughout the whole process.
- there will be no leverage or girl power shenanigans to hang over my head because she went through the intensity of child birth. Her biggest complaint throughout the entire delivery process was that her hand hurt where the nurse inserted her IV line.
So for all expectant fathers, I highly recommend that your eyes remain peeled and you never lose focus, because if a “P-Card” is played, you’re going to be played. I was a very lucky individual. At first I had my blinders on, but I fortunately walked into a very revealing conversation.
Had the secret of the “P-Card” not been revealed to me, who knows how my experience may have turned out?
In all honesty, I don’t think it would have changed a bit. Why? Because my child’s mom was a true champ.
There, that should win me some redemption… and some father of the year points.